Motivation

Everyone say’s I need to find my motivation. But what is motivation? How am I supposed to find it if I don’t know what it is?

 Some say it’s what drives you to enjoy life. But I don’t enjoy life like other people. In fact I feel like I have never really enjoyed life even when I was younger. Even in high school I felt like I was just walking through a dream world. I remember some things but there are things I don’t like they are lost in a fog. The more I try to think about my past, the less I seem to find any enjoyment. Maybe it’s the fog of my disorders that are eating away my memories. But I’m getting off the subject here. What is motivation?

What is motivation.. Motivation is a psychological feature that induces an organism to act towards a desired goal and elicits, controls, and sustains certain goal-directed behaviors. It can be considered a driving force; a psychological one that compels or reinforces an action toward a desired goal. For example, hunger is a motivation that elicits a desire to eat. Motivation is the purpose or psychological cause of an action. According to the Wikipedia this is what motivation is. 

But how does one find their motivation if they feel they have lost it. Like I have. I go to bed thinking to myself, “I really hope I don’t wake up in the morning. Please God, Just take me away from this world and this lifeless existence I am lost in. I can’t take it anymore, please just take me away to the next plane.” But then every damn morning the sun pours thru my windows and here I am once again awake, lost, aimlessly wandering through life. I can’t help the way I am, People say “Oh just pick yourself up, and move.” or they have these motivational sayings they will recite to you. But that doesn’t really do me any good at all. 

I don’t know why I can’t seem to find my motivation. I wish I could find it. I spend so much of my time dreading the world outside, the fear grips me as I try to even walk out the front door of my apartment. I look out the window and I day dream about a life outside, beyond the fear and anger that have a hold on me. Why can’t I fight these feelings? Then I realize just how lonely, afraid, and lost I really am. My parents always told me I am so full of potential, if I could just focus on something. And there is the rub, focus… I can’t seem to focus on anything. 

I lack focus, no matter how hard I try I never seem to be able to focus for more than a few minutes on one thing. My mind runs around like those dogs at the track chasing a rabbit. I wish I could just stop and focus on one thing at a time. Actually I’d give anything to be able to function in society like every other normal human being. But then again what the hell is normal? I know I’m anything but normal. I’m eccentric, compulsive, elusive, complicated, awkward, anti-social, a high functioning autistic human being. I have never really fit in with people, always feel out of place around them. Always say something that just shouldn’t be said to people. Again I am losing sight of my point. Motivation. 

There are so many books, speeches, and lectures on motivation. Yet how do I find my own motivation? I wish I knew the answer to that. It would make my life just a little bit easier. Maybe. I don’t know.