Pandora’s Box

This week my therapist told me that I should read Pandora’s Box. Supposedly it’s about trust and curiosity. I can understand that, She was given a box and told not to open it, her husband was given the key and told not to open the box either. The seed of wonder was planted, on purpose tho. But what does that have to do with me? Yes I look around the world with a childlike curiosity, and I guess that gets me into trouble. Is that wrong of me?

Today I read one of my favorite bloggers, she goes by the name Neurotic Nelly, and it’s amazing just how much she and I have in common. The thought that I, myself, may have some of these similar mental issues scares the shit out of me. But it’s true. I sit in my apartment all day looking outside the window at a world that I don’t belong in, one that no one understands me. Spending endless hours worrying about every little thing that creeps into my head. The loud voices yelling and screaming at me like I’ve done something wrong, or that I’ve in someway pissed off someone I know.

I love my parents but I know just how much of a hardship I am to them, my father turned 60 this year, I think. How sad is that I can’t even remember my fathers birthday, but I know that he has been fighting and struggling to keep me from being hopeless, and all day long the loud obnoxious voice n my head continues to beat me down and tell me that I’m worthless. That I’ll never get any better. And I cry at least three to five times a day, not including crying myself to sleep every night. Or even some times I don’t sleep for days and I end up becoming an uncontrollable mess.

I can’t tell you how many times a day I wash my hands, or rub my skin raw in some spots, or rub my head til my hair feels like it’s going to fall out and becomes soar to the touch. I’ve also started to realize something even more dangerous than all that, I don’t know when it started but I remember as a kid stealing things from stores. Even as an adult I find myself shoplifting food, candy, shit that I don’t even need. But I don’t even know I’m doing it, until I get home and realize my pockets are full of things. I’ve even begun to obsess over everything I eat.  Being diabetic it’s hard not to want all those comfort foods. The breads, the puddings, the pies, anything that is tasty is so bad for me. I love Mountain Dew and I can’t even remember the last time I had one. But in my head it all just screams at me. Going to the grocery store is a nightmare in itself. Walking down the endless isles of junk, and processed foods that, if I don’t keep yelling at myself in my head, I’ll end up buying and then binge eating when I get home.

Everyday is a struggle, thinking I am never going to be good enough, or that I can trust anyone, or that anyone is ever going to accept me for all that I am, or that they will even be able to put up with every little OCD thing I do. The only thing that even remotely stops the voices from screaming so loud I want to bash my head against the concrete wall, is watching stupid pointless television. Even trying to just read a book for five minutes gets to the point where I want to scream STOP! at the top of my lungs when I know that no one is really there. What I really hate the most is, biting the insides of my lips and cheeks til I can taste blood, and it doesn’t stop. Or biting my nails down to the nubs and they are so sore I can barely touch anything.

So what is this Pandora’s Box? Supposedly it’s a box that held every evil vile thing known to man, that was locked away and given to someone and told NOT to open it. But that didn’t last long at all did it? Nope Pandora couldn’t resist the temptation to look inside and unleash all this terrible evil upon the world. But that wasn’t all that was in the box was it? No, The one last tiny detail left in the box, Hope. But what happens when you no longer have any hope of getting better? No hope of ever becoming a normal person, able to fit in with the rest of the lemmings of the world and be happy, and safe, knowing you belong. That’ll never happen tho, because the voices in my head will never let me rest, never let me move forward.

I’ll never trust the world around me, so how can I ever have hope that it’ll change? I am Pandora’s Box, wrapped in a nightmare, lost in the eternal void of nothingness.